I have been thinking a lot about something Steven Kotler wrote in his latest non-fiction book, Gnar Country. In the opening chapter, he talks about the advantages of aging. Simply by experiencing life, when a person is in their 50s, the stage is set for some amazing growth. At the same time he notes that there are things you must do to get this growth.

By fifty, we need to forget old grudges, forgive those who have done us wrong, and generally clear our emotional state.

Steven Kotler, Gnar Country

I don’t think of myself as someone who holds many grudges at this point. Events of the last 10-12 years have put many things in sharp perspective. The loss of family members, my children growing up (and then out), the maturing (?) of my relationship with my wife, all of these things have served to show me what is really important. Spoiler: It’s not having or owning things, it’s not status, or the good opinion of others; it is the people in our lives and the experiences we have. That is all that matters.

In the last 3 years or so (thanks Covid), I have really begun to align my life with what is really important. Due to this, and my high opinion of my efforts, I thought Steven’s quote above didn’t really apply to me, but in the last week or so I have found that I am wrong.

I don’t especially harbor major grudges/ill feelings against specific people, but I have been carrying around a big suitcase full of “I didn’t get”s. “I didn’t get to go here, I didn’t get to do X, I didn’t meet Y”. Not even full blown regrets, just little nagging negatives coloring the way I feel about my life and good fortune. The worst part is that I carry these little negatives around attached to other people. “This person does blah and it frustrates me, so I am going to think/comment about it all the time or every time I interact with them”. Who is this helping?

I have to let those go. If you pick a rose, you can concentrate on the thorns or the flower, it’s your choice. Life is to short to not focus on the flowers.

If I am honest, each of these negatives have a positive side, even if it may be somewhat theoretical, “I didn’t get X, but I am so fortunate to have Y”. More importantly, by just letting it go (Take it away Elsa), I am freed from the negative feelings I might have for that person or situation. I don’t have to carry that anymore. I am free to concentrate on the important things in life.

Life is full of roses, you can focus the flowers, if you choose.

Bonus: Jason Silva, dropping his thoughts on choosing.

Feature Image by samer daboul from Pexels